RONALD HEARN
Internationally Respected & Acclaimed
MEDIUM & AUTHOR
9th June 1927 -
Poetry
The Old Booze
With a frivolous caper
You sent me a paper
Concerning the males that get fat,
It’s quite plain to see
That if you mean me
To you I must raise my hat
For I sit and I slave
And try to behave
Behind an old office table
I think and I eat
Whilst spreading my seat
And slapping some others when able
Whilst lacking in hair
And shaped like a pear
With maybe a sprinkling of glamour
I long to be thin
Instead of a bin
For Adonis like limbs I just clamour
It’s against the old grain
To know I have brain
And for that I must suffer from flab
Even though knowing
My bulge is still showing
Despite the gift of the gab
Now my reason for slimming is this
If ever I see a nice Miss
Doubtless I’ll want to give chase
If I’m stout and quite big
She’ll not care a fig
That I just cannot stand the fast pace
I don’t give a hoot
For an Old Tweed suit
It would only tickle me tender
The sign of true knowledge
Is not the old college
But a Corporation of splendour
I suppose without clothes
I’d not inspire prose
Would probably look a bit stupid
If the worst comes to be
I would wriggle with glee
Whilst twanging my whatnot as Cupid
No wonder I long to be lean
No wonder I long to be seen
With muscles and magnificent chest
It’s some consolation
In that situation
When passion is put to the test
It’s a well known old fact
That the brain doesn’t act
When the body is called to gyrate
The brain cannot lift
Nature’s sweet gift
No wonder I want to lose weight
So please keep your feelings quite quiet
Whilst I plod along with my diet
Of things that will help me to lose
And soon 1 will be
As well you may see
A brainless but brawny old booze
< < < > > >
The Cad
I know I’m suave and dark and tall
Enough to make the ladies fall
But there ain’t enough for all
Isn’t it a shame!
Some people say I’m rather nice
And I’d cut you off a slice
But without the salt and spice
It wouldn’t be the same!
Some say of course my head is big
That I am a nasty pig
But I don’t really give a fig
So what is in a name!
In the course of love I’ll be quite fair
And offer you a little share
To save you from much deep despair
I’ll light a little flame!
Together we could burn our boats
Go out and sow our wildest oats
Whilst making and comparing notes
What a super game!
But when our little love is spent
You’ll wonder where the fellow went
You see he is a perfect gent
An Apollo from the heavens sent
A man upon a mission bent
To please all dames is his intent
So please don’t think that you’ve been missed
I’ve got you on my damn great list
< < < > > >
The Mists of Time
A flashing glance of knowing eyes
Pierced my heart one day
Catching me with quick surprise
As they seemed to say
“I knew you from an age before
And loved you as my own
But e’er that I could ask for more
It seemed that time had flown
I lost you to another age
We parted in the skies
I know that you remember me
I see it in your eyes”
Could I have known that then for sure
I would not have passed by
Yet deep within me felt a door
Had opened but knew not why
Those searching eyes had made me feel
A wondrous thrill divine
But could it be our love was real
That once this soul was mine?
Meeting in this sacred place
It held a moments truth
I knew the eyes but not the face
Of this handsome youth
The eyes are mirrors of the soul
So the wise men think
Reflecting glimpses of the whole
In a sparkling wink
A knowing gleam a cautious stare
Can set a soul aflame
Saying that it knows not where
Nor time nor place nor name
Yet long ago through mists of time
We held in fond embrace
Now through eyes of love sublime
I see your present face
< < < > > >
The Stream of Life
The stream of life flows swiftly on
In ageing pace more rapid bent
In youth a swirling torrent rushing
Round in circles only moving
With the tide of discontent
But how time lingers when the stream
A lonely little course pursues
Midst banks of mossy gladed forests
Shading secrets from the eyes
Which seldom praise but more accuse
Yet when the stream is broad and clear
Flowing with a steady pace
It does not heed the lock or current
Twist or turn or waterfall
But rides along with shining face
Then when the floods o’er bank do flow
The course is lost or so it seems
But still the waters of the soul
Seeking home and source of life
Are drawn in endless ribboned streams
< < < > > >
The Cad
I know I’m suave and dark and tall
Enough to make the ladies fall
But there ain’t enough for all
Isn’t it a shame!
Some people say I’m rather nice
And I’d cut you off a slice
But without the salt and spice
It wouldn’t be the same!
Some say of course my head is big
That I am a nasty pig
But I don’t really give a fig
So what is in a name!
In the course of love I’ll be quite fair
And offer you a little share
To save you from much deep despair
I’ll light a little flame!
Together we could burn our boats
Go out and sow our wildest oats
Whilst making and comparing notes
What a super game!
But when our little love is spent
You’ll wonder where the fellow went
You see he is a perfect gent
An Apollo from the heavens sent
A man upon a mission bent
To please all dames is his intent
So please don’t think that you’ve been missed
I’ve got you on my damn great list
< < < > > >
God Is Our Goal
Though the night be dark
Fear and dark surround
The temple of the inner being
Remember yet that morn must rise
Banishing shadows before thee
In the sunlight of the All Seeing
Is it then the pain of past?
Leave it all behind
In dust lying silent as the grave
Perhaps the fear of future things
Doubt shrouds the thought
But remember He who gave
Perhaps the weakness of a man
Finding a path of thorns
Yet caring not for foe nor friend
Still burns within
The flame of hope
That God is within him to the end
Still yet the anxiousness of day
Steals on like arrow swift
Bringing shades of terror piercing soul
Yet still we know
As day and night must fall
God is the sunshine and our goal
< < < > > >
Attitude
Dawn is breaking in the sky
Sending night away
Golden glimpses of the sun
Bring a new born day
Fears are banished with the morn
Hopes rise high again
In each heart a little prayer
“I hope it doesn’t rain”
But if it should then matter not
It brings a freshness bright
The gentle raindrops few or lot
Wash away the night
Perhaps God cries when men go wrong
Or laughs when they are gay
His mood decides in scowl or song
The weather for each day
There are some things we cannot change
And must of needs accept
Thus with moods however strange
Oft we know how God has wept
His tears are those from nature’s heart
Poured upon the land
The sunshine plays a different part
Helping us to understand
That when we feel a helpless sorrow
Or heavy burdened are
He may shine again tomorrow
Bringing from afar
A gleam of hope a ray of truth
Showing us just where we stand
Pointing to our golden youth
With a mighty hand
Saying with impressive voice
No matter sun or rain
In attitude you have the choice
And like each day begin again
< < < > > >
Love is Ageless
A flower in the garden fading
Was kissed by a bumble bee
“Kind Sir” she said “I am but dead
Why botherest thou with me?”
The honest bumble bee replied
“To me thou art as fair
As when from bud thy petals sprang
To kiss the scented air
For though thy petals now are turned
Thy stalk is not so green
“Tis from the heart I drink my fill
Such beauty is unseen”
“Kind Sir” she said
“I feel so glad
For soon I shall not be
But still Ill hold the memory dear
Of when thy lips kissed me
For thou hast filled my heart with joy
And felt my greatest need
I shall not fear to fade and die
Kind sir please take my seed
And scatter it where bee shall roam
In garden fair and bower
That it may feel my keenest joy
To be a Bee kissed flower”
< < < > > >
Nature’s Lessons
Silver raindrops on a pure green leaf
Blossom on an orchard bough
Sunshine o’er the earth beneath
Murmur of a grazing cow
Rustle of the waiving corn
Whisper of a Summer breeze
Freshness of a day new born
Rolling of the restless seas
Flowers dancing in endless line
Moonlight glancing through a cloud
Music with its fire divine
Nature tossing head so proud
Showing things in all their glory
Bringing joy to all who seek
Telling but a simple story
Oh but could this nature speak
Might it tell us what we know
Yet locked within us safe and sound
Is the truth like virgin snow
That melts away when Spring comes round
If only we could grow and flower
In the self same way
Then love would in its finest hour
Hold this world in gentle sway
Bringing peace to all on earth
Opening up a golden door
Showing us what life is worth
Happiness for evermore
< < < > > >
The Bee’s Message
I have a friend who buzzes round
My window now and then.
It seems he comes to call on me
As if he tells me when
Summers come and suns ablaze
In all its radiant glory
Me thinks that he has more to tell
And that he has a story
Of life that’s short but very free
Graced by open skies
What is more I trust in him
He would not tell me lies
For now and then on window pane
He gives a gentle knock
I know he would not frighten me
He does not want to shock
His murmur and his gracious act
Are but a sign of love
He seems to be a messenger
Sent to me from above
His task is to remind me that
No matter how I feel
To stay within a prisoned home
Is neither good nor real
Like him I should be out and free
Expressing joys for truth
Time to us all is fleeting past
Leaving far behind our youth
I’m glad to have a visitor
And that he comes to me
It really makes me humble
For he is a Bumble Bee
< < < > > >
Memories
The beauty of a Summer’s eve
The dew kissed grass at morn
The spoken words of “I believe”
A broken heart forlorn
A kiss remembered long ago
An ardent lover’s vow
A faded rose no more aglow
What are they all but now
Memories that tear the heart
And long for yesteryear
‘Twer better now they should depart
Than linger with a tear
The moonlight shining on the sea
A dancing wave of joy
The cows a grazing on the lea
A child with little toy
A meadow bathed in yellow hue
A pleasant blade of grass
The pleasure of a thing that’s new
A splendid mountain pass
What are they all but now
Reality for all to see
‘Twer better all should take this vow
“They will remain with me”
< < < > > >
Be A Comfort
A teardrop chanced to fall one day
Upon a rose of pleasant hue
“You splashed me” said the rose with scorn
“It’s not as though you were the dew
Who wakes me with his gentle touch
And with beauty fills my heart
You fell from some poor blinded eye
Just as two lovers vowed to part”
“Dear Rose” said teardrop rather sad
“Just let me linger here
Upon your petals cool and sweet
Whilst blinded eyes do clear
For through my liquid drop there shines
A truth quite sweet and plain
I would not now be nestling here
If some poor heart had not cried again”
< < < > > >
Attitude Is Everything
If I were a wriggly worm
Traveling through the earth
I’d try to make the most of it
And wriggle for all its worth
It may not be such fun below
The ground without the sun
But even a little worm may turn
To having lots of fun
Think of all the things above
A worm can give a mighty shove!
< < < > > >
Joy
I thought I heard a Butterfly
Whisper in my ear
“If you had wings to spread like mine
Then you would not fear
You’d fly around on wings of song
Flit from flower to flower
Flutter on the gentle breeze
Feel a wondrous power
You’d feel the joy of open air
The freedom of the skies
Be lifted up and lowered down
And hear the happy cries
Of other Butterflies like me
Winging through the sky
In endless joyful fluttering
Watching life go by
But you my friend must sit alone
And dream of what you’d do
I pity you without your wings
So glad I’m not like you”
Then I thought my fancy took
A turn I know not why
All because a pretty friend
Had simply fluttered by
< < < > > >
For Those Who Doubt
See the trees in all their glory
Leafy limbs that grace the earth
Feel the wonder of their story
When in Spring and giving birth
To buds of joy they raise their eyes
In graceful meaning to the skies
Being part of nature’s blessing
From wizened soul they are confessing
That there are times when all is stark
No warmth within that blackened bark
Until the kiss of life is felt
From a mighty God force dealt
To prove to those whose faith is swaying
That nature has a way of saying
And showing us through things like these
That God made man as God made trees
< < < > > >
Act Not In Haste
A rose by any other name they say
Doth smell as sweet and pretty
But when I chanced along the way
To spot a rose oh pity
I stuck my nose into its heart
To drink me of its glory
Alack alas it came apart
Which is another story
For had I known it was a rose
Which went by other name
I would not now be full of woes
I’d still be just the same
As once I was a simple lad
Of purest heart and soul
Instead of sticking what I had
Into a gaping hole
Where rose of beauty should .have been
With perfume sweet and mellow
Yet still perhaps I should have seen
I was a silly fellow
To trust to what men often say
Without a second thought
That’s what I got along life’s way
Not doing what I ought
But following such poor advice
And sniffing willy nilly
Such are the ways of men and mice
For both are pretty silly
Mice will grab at fragrant cheese
Whose perfume fills their nose
Whilst men will gather at their ease
A name by any rose
The moral of this little rhyme
Is simple but so true
When smelling roses take your time
It’s important that you do
< < < > > >
Take A Chance
A word by chance made a comely blush
In. pink of the deepest hue
Said the blush “I fear I’d not be here
If it hadn’t been for you”
Said the word by chance “I somehow slipped
And e’er my lips could close
it seemed your cream and peaches face
Had turned, to shades of rose
Forgive my forwardness I pray
But I cannot this regret
For if I had not spoken such
We never should have met
< < < > > >
Ronald began writing poetry around the age of sixteen when he would compose them for friends, weddings, birthdays, or special events, and sometimes just for fun. The larger percentage of his poems came after he discovered he had psychic abilities. Although he had no feeling of psychic inspiration while he was writing, he cannot totally rule out the possibility. The one poem, “The Mists of Time,” may be the exception, having a psychic link to his past, as it came from a powerful personal experience. It can be found under the category of Ronald’s Favorites. Ronald’s poetry has spanned his lifetime and is something he still enjoys creating. He says he possibly inherited his ability and talent from his father who was adept at quoting rhyming ditties.
We would like to share some of Ronald’s poetry with you. We've put them into four categories. Click on the category of poems you'd like to read. You can let Ronald know what you think of them by posting your comments on the BLOG link under Posts About Ronald's Poetry.
Copyright © Peter Ingold 2009, All Rights Reserved
No part of this poetry may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without prior written consent.
For usage rights information please email: desperance@googlemail.com
Funny Guys
Ronald’s Favorites
Nature’s Lessons
Terry The Toad
Terry the terrible toad
Lived in a hole by the road
Instead of the river
Which just made him shiver
He wasn’t cut out
To swim like a trout
And so he planned
To live on the land
And make his hole cozy
But alas being nosy
He just had to know
Where other toads go
When forsaking the water
Though they didn’t ought ter
With goggling eyes
He saw with surprise
Some made their holes
In telegraph poles
Whilst other did jump
In a hole on a hump
But none like our Terry
In fit bright and merry
Chose to reside
By a road at the side
Terry toad didn’t care
He felt happy there
Despite nature so bad
He was a real cad
A horrible bloke
With. quite ghastly croak
Which never did stop
Though he could hop
Quite a long way
Several miles in a day
It was his vain boast
To jump further than most
To fly cross the street
On two toad like feet
But Terry didn’t know
When green lights do show
You don’t try to be clever
For cross you should never
Until lights are red
Or else you’ll get dead
But alas and alack
Our Terry was slack
He jumped with abandon
Hoping to land on
The opposite side
Of the road rather wide
He was hit by a car
And so there you are
The moral is plain
Don’t try to be vain
If you are a toad
Don’t live by the road
Or get buried you will
On some distant hill
End up as a knoll
Or just toad in the hole
< < < > > >
The Sneaky Pig
Squeak piggy squeak
I think you are a sneak
You gobbled all my goodies down
With a most ferocious frown
Standing in the muck and mire
Oh you are a naughty liar
You’ve had so much that you can’t speak
All you do is stand and squeak
But sweet revenge I will have taken
You’ll end up as crispy bacon
< < < > > >
The Lady Baboon
Minnie was a big baboon
And she was a lady
As she swung from tree to tree
In the jungle shady
She’d plucked her brows and dyed her hair
A lovely shade of yellow
Hoping that her figure fine
Would attract a fellow
But male baboons were hard to find
The sort that would fulfil her
Instead she wondered if she would
Settle for a gorilla
Around her pretty coiffured hair
She tied a bright blue ribbon
Supposed if she could flutter it
She might attract a gibbon
As she swung along the way
She very loudly sang
“I wouldn’t mind at all if it
could be an Orang Utang”
But the fellows didn’t notice
Her very graceful shape
She wasn’t even whistled
By a handsome Ape
So Minnie went down on her knees
And she prayed to Jesus
Told him that she didn’t care
And would settle for a Rhesus
Her ardent prayers were answered
Not a bit too soon
For suddenly in front of her
Stood a male baboon
“Hello babe” he said and smiled
A lovely toothless grin
Minnie thought “well never mind
It seems my luck is in
He may not be the best baboon
A girl could ever find
But half a loaf is better than none
At least he is my kind
Although there are some other sorts
Of monkies one could wed
I’d rather have this big baboon
To share my blissful bed
Orang Utangs and chimpanzees
Are very nice I know
But now I have a bridegroom
On honeymoon we’ll go
We’ll take a trip to other fields
Or fly right to the moon
Then. perhaps the fates will bless us
With a small baboon”
Bless they did not only one
But brought forth number two
Before our Mum and family
Were captured for the zoo
Now all day long they sit in cage
And their bells they jingle
Minnie wishes constantly
That she were home and single
She wonders why she tried to find
A partner she could take
When all she ended up with
Was a big mistake
She sits and pines the whole day long
And wishes to be free
Muttering to heavens above
“You’ve made a monkey out of me”
< < < > > >
Peregine The Penguin
There was a penguin called Peregine
Who was pigeon toed and had a double chin
He was inclined to think it a lot of twaddle
Because the others said he couldn’t waddle
Being a fact that is very well know
Which made him feel really quite alone
All penguins walk with a sidewards roll
From way down south to the North Pole
Apparently the chief penguin decided
All of the species should walk lop sided
So Peregrine it seemed was an odd man out
Didn’t quite see what the fuss was about
Just because he walked straight along
Never putting a foot really wrong
It didn’t add up and wasn’t quite fair
But Peregrine had his cross to bear
No matter how long and hard he tried
He simply could not wobble from side to side
He tripped and he lumbered as best he could
Tried to do what a penguin should
Despite his efforts not to go straight
The poor fellow found it was his fate
To be a penguin different from others
Quite unlike his waddling brothers
But alack and alas his pride was hurt
So he didn’t bother to starch his shirt
What’s the use thought our little Perry
For really he didn’t feel very merry
When on parade with the others he’d go
His silly feet and straight walk would show
So what was the point in cleaning his dicky
An operation which proved very tricky
For the suits that penguins wear are black
To look very smart is quite a knack
Since it means their white front must be clean
A sight quite pleasant to be seen
Since Peregrine felt quite out of line
He didn’t bother his beak to shine
His uniform became quite shabby
And Peregrine became more crabby
A fishy matter or so it would seem
And in his eye there was a gleam
Of anger and a jealous streak
Refused to mix or even speak
With the others of his clan
Peregrine was a determined man
If he couldn’t be like the rest
Then he’d have to do his best
To stand alone and make a career
Though he looked and felt quite queer
To seek his fortune forth he went
And became a City gent
With bowler hat and rolled umbrella
He looked a very handsome fella
Wearing trousers striped and neat
Wearing shoes upon his feet
Traveling on the tube each day
Doing things the human way
It didn’t matter how he walked
It didn’t matter how he talked
He was accepted as a man
Then his troubles soon began
He found that people didn’t give a hoot
What’s inside a penguin suit
All look alike and that’s a shame
He found it hard to make his name
And longed to be back home again
A penguin odd and very plain
So off he went without a squabble
Content to walk and not to wobble
< < < > > >
The Frog & The Prince
A frog met a prince one day
In manner quite bright and airy
They looked at each other as much as to say
Which one was changed by the fairy?
Couldn’t be me thought frog with a grin
Couldn’t be me thought the prince
Wouldn’t be me it has to be him
But how will I ever convince
This man of a very royal degree
Thought frog with a lump in his throat
He’ll never believe he’ll refuse to see
That once he swam in the castle moat
How do I tell this croaky old bore
Thought prince with an inward moan
That once long ago in the days of yore
He sat on a royal throne
For both of them knew and had heard tell
Of how a witch with her potion
Had cast a simply incredible spell
And caused an awful commotion
But nobody knew for absolute fact
Whether this story was true
So frog and prince made a real friendly pact
When deciding just what they should do
Neither would tell what the other could be
They’d simply remain at their station
A frog and a prince for all men to see
Who needed much more explanation
Inside of us all there often is fear
As to who and what we can be
But truly the answer is doubly clear
Unless we choose not to see
If princes we are with manner so fitting
It’s best that we stay in our place
On gold coloured thrones to be cosily sitting
Keeping in fact a right royal face
If frogs that we are with skin gnarled and green
We might be a great big mistake
With memories strong of what could have been
We might as well go jump in the lake
< < < > > >
Timothy Tiger
Timothy was a tiger brave
With snarling teeth and great big claws
In manner daring he’d behave
When walking in the great outdoors
But at home with nagging wife
A tigress of the first degree
He couldn’t fight to save his life
For she had the better of he
She told him what he ought to do
How to hunt and how to kill
All day long and all night through
Of her tongue he’d had his fill
Till one day in anger great
He left her and the cubs
Went searching for another mate
All around the forest pubs
He’d had enough of his first spouse
Thought she was so silly
Made a plan that he’d carouse
With Kitty Cat or Tiger Lily
Timothy did not reckon though
A drink or two would alter
The mind of this big tiger beau
And make his footsteps falter
But sure enough he took his fill
Of the demon drink
Which really made him rather ill
And caused him to rethink
Which is better in the end
To have a home and kids
Or end up clinging to a bar
On the downward skids?
The tainted ladies of the inns
Didn’t want a lover
Who couldn’t stand upon his pins
They much preferred another
With downcast eyes and sagging tail
Timothy crept back home
He was a very sorry male
Again he’d never roam
But how to get around the missus
Was another question
He’d greet her with much love and kisses
Or say that he’d had indigestion
Whichever way he put his case
She’d not believe his story
For the expression on his face
Was a little hoary
Finally he knew he must
Go down on bended knees
Expect a nagging and be cussed
Despite his ardent pleas
But Timothy was so surprised
By his trouble and strife
For in his absence she surmised
She was a rotten wife
The change in her was mighty big
So instead of awful howl
She greeted him in new blonde wig
And a sexy growl
“You silly boy, oh don’t you see
I didn’t mean to nag
But all along you thought of me
As a real old hag
When all the time I wanted to
Just be a loving mate
Be proud of all the things you do
So come on boy let’s celebrate
Tiger tiger burning bright
With your manly passion
Come and share my couch tonight
In a feline fashion
But from now on you’ll stay in lair
In case our life you bungle
I think that you’ll be happier there
While I patrol the jungle”
All is well that endeth well
Or so the saying goes
A tiger’s life so we’ve heard tell
Is not without its woes
The moral of this story true
Is very plain to all
Even in what tiger’s do
Pride goes before a fall
< < < > > >
Mouse On A Diet
Peeping though his hole one day
A little mouse saw a cat
He knew with life he’d have to pay
If he tried to get past that
But how to sneak and get the cheese
Cat might allow if he said “please”
On other hand he no doubt would
Do everything a mouser should
And grab our poor friend for his dinner
So mouse agreed that he’d get thinner
Rather than to risk his cool
He’d not be a Tomcat fool
With mighty scuffle and piercing squeak
Thought he’d try again next week
< < < > > >
Matt The Mighty Mouse
Matt was indeed a mighty mouse
As he ran about the house
Nibbling away at this and that
He had no fear of big tom cat
Avoiding bait and tempting trap
He was without a doubt no sap
Once before he had been caught
Good for him it came to nought
He felt he was so very clever
For his life to wildly sever
Never would he put foot wrong
Watching as he went along
For paw of cat or twitching whisker
Could not induce him once to risk a
Chance to gobble down some cheese
Even if tom cat said “please”
So on his way went Matt the mouse
Proudly northern and a scouse
Singing shanties all night long
Waiting till he heard the gong
Of grandfather clock against the wall
Then he really had a ball
Running up and down the clock
Gave poor Tom a nasty shock
When puss went to see the hour
He received a mighty shower
Of brickbats from our mousy friend
Who did not know how near the end
Was coming for his little life
When Tom did wield a great big knife
Matt the mouse became a cropper
Tom also had a great big chopper
No matter which way poor Matt turned
He really got his fingers burned
All because he played with time
He got cut off right in his prime
No mouse however should be proud
It really shouldn’t be allowed
They say pride goes before a fall
But that saying isn’t all
It follows that a mighty mouse
Shouldn’t play around the house
Unless he knows the cat is out
And what life is all about
You cannot risk to play around
On someone’s else’s hallowed ground
Time waits for no one so ‘tis said
Be it on that mouse’s head
He should have left the clock alone
Then he’d have no cause to moan
Now he roams another shore
Wondering what he did it for
But nothing ventured nothing vaunt
So now that ruddy cat he’ll haunt!
< < < > > >
The Grasshopper
A Grasshopper jumped on a woodchopper’s back
The woodchopper continued to hack and to hack
The Grasshopper thought he had jumped too high
Since the woodchopper didn’t even flick an eye
But all the time the big man knew
What the Grasshopper really meant to do
He thought he’d rise above his station
Causing woodchopper much consternation
When all the time the good man thought
If grasshoppers did just what they ought
They’d hop around upon the ground
Without attempting mighty bound
For after all when using choppers
Who wants to be bothered by Grasshoppers
The Grasshopper felt he’d chanced his all
To dance his dance at the woodchopper’s ball
Instead of which with mighty flick
He was dispatched to do his trick
With those who might enjoy with mirth
A grasshopper coming down to earth
< < < > > >
Harold The Horse
Harold was a lovely horse
With four feet and tail of course
He’d gallop round the field all day
Waiting for the kids to play
Climbing up upon his back
Then our Harold had no lack
Of courage trotting round the green
In manner splendid he’d be seen
Carrying his mischievous load
Along the lane and in the road
Head held high and tail aloft
Harold was of course quite soft
He’d let the kids do what they like
Even though they took the mike
Cause Harold wasn’t built quite right
In fact he was a sorry sight
One foot shorter than the other
Quite unlike his racehorse brother
His tail was clipped and he’d one eye
Seems that nature passed him by
He was low slung and short of teeth
No telling what he had beneath
But all the same he was a horse
Humoured with a little sauce
So when the kids did pull his tail
Harold would just sit and wail
Winking with his one good eye
At any strolling passer by
Letting children think that he was sad
Remembering that his dear old Dad
Had told him in his far off youth
That people often were uncouth
But never ever shout aloud
Hold up your tail and still be proud
That kids should think you are a mug
And give your tail a mighty tug
Harold had his recompense
For he was gifted with horse sense
And oft when kids would mount his back
Harold horse would have the knack
Of bouncing up and down quite slick
Until the kids were feeling sick
That way he’d even out the score
And when the kids came back for more
Knew that though they had sore ends
Nonetheless they all were friends
And many happy days were spent
Playing to their hearts content
Harold knew he gave them pleasure
Even though he was short measure
Which goes to show it didn’t matter
Even when he got much fatter
But now he’s called to home above
Gallops in a field of love
Remembering with gleeful mirth
Days well spent upon the earth
And when he stood before his God
The old man gave our horse a nod
Said “well done thou faithful hack
Don’t worry I won’t send you back
You served us well without a grouse
So you can stay here in my house”
Now Harold gallops round so gaily
Giving Angels rides twice daily
< < < > > >
Maurice The Mole
Maurice the mole
Climbed up a pole
And couldn’t get down again
Trembling with fright
He stayed there all night
Until it began to rain
This poor little fella
Had no umbrella
To save him from getting wet
He yelled and he cried
And constantly sighed
Won’t somebody save this pet
But nobody heard
And nobody stirred
Not a hero in sight
Poor Maurice the mole
Was sure in a hole
And clinging on very tight
Then he suddenly saw
Down on the floor
A friendly and nice looking cow
Who said with a frown
Do you want to get down
If so then I’ll tell you how
Yes please said our Mo
In fact you should know
I’ve been up the pole for quite long
And I’m telling you
I’m sick of the view
I know that I did it all wrong
My purpose you see
Was the first to be
A mole up a pole quite sublime
But now I’m not sure
What I did it for
I’ll know much better next time
So please Mrs Moo
Tell me what to do
And get me out of this jam
Then I promise to stay
Out of the way
And be a good little lamb
But Mrs Moo said
By the shape of your head
You don’t look like mutton to me
So Maurice replied
And quite loudly cried
I’ll gladly pay you a fee
Be I mutton or mole
Get me off this pole
And I’ll never go climbing again
But why said the cow
With a sort of a bow
And Mo said “I don’t like the rain”
So Jersey Lil said
With a toss of the head
And a certain amount of pride
Plus a look of surprise
“Well just shut your eyes
And open your legs and slide”
So poor Maurice did
And easily slid
Right down the pole with such grace
Without breaking a bone
But he tripped on a stone
And then fell quite flat on his face
So to all who would climb
To heights quite sublime
Remember our Maurice’s plight
Try to refrain
When out in the rain
From climbing up poles at night
< < < > > >
Isaac Iguana
Isaac the iguana
Fell over a banana
And felt rather soppy
In fact went quite sloppy
And got mixed up with his tail
He twisted his gizzard
Quite bad for a lizard
And shouted oh heck
I’ve twisted my neck
Then let out a terrible wail
It dented his pride
When he did slide
Because of a yellow fruit
He wouldn’t have minded
But oh how he binded
When it creased up his nice new suit
Iguanas are silly
They walk willy nilly
Where animals oft fear to tread
It would not have been bad
If only he had
Slipped on his bottom instead of his head
But Isaac was wise
And soon dried his eyes
On a hanky he had in his pouch
He rose to his feet
Smiled rather sweet
And walked away with a slouch
But he did not know
That his little show
Had been seen by a bird in a tree
With a right fussy flutter
Our birdie did mutter
“I’m glad it was you and not me
Though I’m not often found
Down on the ground
I’m sure I’d have seen that fruit
But you’re very tall
And that is not all
You don’t really care a big hoot
You trip along gaily
Several times daily
To show off your beautiful body
If you looked where you went
You wouldn’t get bent
And make yourself look so darn shoddy”
“Now listen you dicky
Don’t try to get tricky
With a big Iguana like me
You’re only a bird
Who shouldn’t be heard
So stay on your perch in that tree
I suppose it is nice
To offer advice
To one who is bigger than you
You had better beware
Though you’re up in the air
I could give your neck a good screw
But seeing I’m kind
I really don’t mind
That I landed upon my beam end
Though my pride was hurt
And I fell in the dirt
I found me a fine feathered friend”
The sequel is this
The pair found such bliss
A bird and a great big Iguana
Their union was blessed
Then birdie confessed
‘Twas me who dropped the banana
< < < > > >
Norman The Newt
Norman the newt was a real beaut
Who swam round the pond three times daily
Norman the newt wore his best suit
And flitted around rather gaily
Newts are quite small and that is not all
Sometimes they look rather smart
They are not very tall and do the crawl
They wriggle and squiggle and dart
Norman was happy and looked rather snappy
Considered himself quite a lad
He swam and he slithered and happily dithered
Norman was good and not bad
But in the pond was a fish who fancied a dish
Of newts large or small as they came
It just did not matter as he got much fatter
To him all the newts were just game
On his second time round our Norman found
Himself face to face with a Hake
He lifted his hat and said “hello Sprat”
Which was his first big mistake
The big fish did yawn and looked all forlorn
And Norman felt sorry for him
He snuggled quite close to fish quite morose
And then his future looked dim
The hake gave a wobble and a mighty gobble
And swallowed our Norman quite quickly
Norman went down and in tummy did drown
Whilst hake did feel rather sickly
Which just goes to show you really don’t know
What danger there lurks in the water
Newts ought to beware and try to take care
Not to do what they didn’t ought ter
< < < > > >
Victor The Viper
Victor was a viper
A funny sort of snake
Instead of wriggling along
He could only shake
He crept around the jungle
Shaking as he went
Instead of long and slithery
He really looked quite bent
He had one mission in his life
That was to do some good
Instead of scaring people
As all good vipers should
He crawled and hissed quite strongly
With the worst intent
But Victor couldn’t manage it
Because he was a gent
And gentlemen of noble ways
Are gracious in their manner
He didn’t care to bite a soul
Or hit them with a spanner
Victor had a sense of pride
For snakes are very proud
He thought that scaring people
Should not be allowed
The other vipers shunned him
Thought he was a cad
But Victor didn’t mind that
He was not really bad
Though how to be of service
Was a problem true
When one day it came to him
Straight from out the blue
If only he could straighten up
Instead of being bent
Then he could help somebody
As from heaven sent
How to influence human beings
And show he was their friend
Became his earnest seeking
And he made it in the end
He dropped his hiss and stopped his creep
Showed a friendly smile
Even had a love affair
With a crocodile
Then one day he met a man
In such real distress
Poor fellow looked unhappy
For he was in a mess
The rain it fell the wind it howled
He could not drive his car
As it was hard for him to see
He could not get very far
“What’s the trouble” asked our Vic
With a snakish smirk
The man replied with a sad face
“My wipers will not work”
At last the snake knew what to do
“Don’t worry I’ll soon fix it”
Said Vic
And crept up on the car
And proceeded to unmix it
His aim he reached the man was glad
Of our shaky Victor viper
For he put himself to some good use
And became a windscreen wiper
< < < > > >
Gertie The Giraffe
There was a giraffe called Gertie
A stunner oh by gosh
But when her neck got dirty
It was a lot to wash
She thought it really wasn’t fair
Her neck should be so long
She thought that it was hard to bear
It really was quite wrong
She did admit it was a help
When picking fruit off trees
And a real advantage
Since she could show her knees
To all the boys who whistled her
And asked her for a date
Who stroked and fussed her pretty fur
But oh how she did hate
To have to wash that great long neck
It seemed to take all day
She grumbled and she moaned “oh heck
If I could have my way
I’d change it for a shorter one
Then I could wash it quicker
For after all when said and done
It would take the liquor
A shorter time to dribble down
And reach my gorgeous tummy
On second thoughts I’d rather not
It would look rather rummy
If my legs were long and my neck was short
I’d look a little strange
Times before I have been caught
So I will not change
Suddenly I feel quite spry
There still is just one hope
If only I knew where to buy
A larger flannel and more soap”
< < < > > >
Gorgeous George
George was a gorgeous alligator
Who wanted to become a waiter
In a hotel nice and posh
Where they served the finest nosh
Such as deviled men on toast
Pickled boiled or even roast
Where customers their teeth could sink
Into flesh quite soft and pink
Done in all assorted dishes
According to the patrons wishes
He felt he’d rather like to serve
Men and women as hors d’eouvre
It would give him greatest joy
Whether it be girl or boy
To see them served as a first course
Done in wine or cooked in sauce
For alligator’s like to eat
Cannibals and human meat
But George’s conscience gave a prick
And he began to feel quite sick
It didn’t seem the thing to do
To eat the likes of me and you
So off he went in search of fame
Thought he’d try to make his name
Make his fortune and go far
So he became a gorgeous star
Hero of the stage and screen
Where his good looks could be seen
Flashing teeth and lovely eyes
George became a big surprise
The only leading man whose mouth
Spread across from north to south
Moral is don’t be a waiter
But be a movie alligator
< < < > > >
Zena The Zebra
There was a zebra called Zena
Who really would like to have been a
Nice lady horse
And a pity of course
‘Cause no one could have been keener
She hated her stripes
And said “golly cripes
This is not fair
They ought not to be there
It’s enough to give me the gripes”
She rubbed and she scrubbed
And frequently tubbed
In manner quite quaint
To make the stripes faint
But Zena a zebra was dubbed
She roamed through the land
In manner quite grand
Hoping to find
Someone quite kind
Who could give her a helping hand
She thought of a seer
A little bit queer
Who with various potions
And odd kind of notions
Could make her stripes disappear
After searching for days
In various ways
She found such a man
Who said “yes I can
This thing that I do really pays
All that I do
Is to influence you
Then cast a spell
Which is all very well
As long as you think I am true”
“I trust you” she said
“so go right ahead
Make me a horse
A nice one of course
Sort of a chestnut red”
This magician quite odd
Picked up a rod
Waved it about
Gave her a clout
He really was an odd bod
With a super elation
And great incantation
He spluttered and muttered
And generally uttered
With seemingly great consternation
But Zena stood waiting
And kept on debating
Whether this trick
Was a bit thick
Then her nerves started grating
“I think you’re a fraud
And I’m very bored
Changed I am not
And you are a clot
I know I should trust the good Lord
For he fashioned me
Because he could see
My stripes are a blessing
I shouldn’t be messing
And trying to change what should be
For so it would seem
If I joined a team
Of ladies who play
Football all day
Of eleven then I’ll be the cream
For I won’t have to care
About what I wear
My jersey is on
I won’t have to don
Something that’s already there
So Zena looks gay
And now can play
Wearing her shirt
She can flirt
With fellows who come in her way
She cares not for magicians
Or fake politicians
But accepts what she’s got
Which is surely a lot
To suit all kinds of conditions
There was no misdemeanour
She couldn’t get cleaner
For all the soap
Couldn’t bring hope
To a simple zebra called Zena
< < < > > >
Percy The Pekinese
Percy was a pekinese
And he had such nobbly knees
Fluffy hair and bushy tail
Oh he was a gorgeous male
All around the park he ran
Saying “catch me if you can”
His nose was flat and rather snub
He was a member of a club
Of selected pekinese
Famous for their nobbly knees
Not very large or very tall
Nonetheless our friend did fall
For a lady peke so fair
Bright blue eyes and long blond hair
Percy wooed her very gaily
Every night and three times daily
But the object of his fancy
Preferred another one called Clancy
Made it clear to little Perce
In manner strong and very terse
That she preferred a finer breed
In fact a lover not knock kneed
One whose legs were not so bony
Perhaps she’d rather have a pony
Than our Percy with short legs
Looking like some twisted pegs
She surely didn’t mean to hurt
Our hero with her manner curt
He couldn’t help his nobbly knees
But she spurned him spite of pleas
To give him just a little chance
For he could run and he could dance
Despite his knees and legs so short
He could be a real good sport
“After all” he said to her
“I have got the finest fur
And to people in the know
I’m considered best in show”
But with this dame it cut no ice
She said she knew it wasn’t nice
That she preferred a dog called Clancy
It all depended on her fancy
She didn’t want to let Perce down
But she told him with a frown
This is definitely over
So run away and play with Rover
The dog who lives just down the way
Who also woos me every day
With neither of you will I truck
So you are simply out of luck
“What makes you think that you’re so smart”
Said Percy wounded by her dart
Of contempt and of rejection
Which made him think upon reflection
She wasn’t worthy of his love
Couldn’t be his turtle dove
She was so haughty and so proud
It really shouldn’t be allowed
So to her be turned and said
“Your eyes are blue your lips are red
Of your kind you are quite fair
As for your legs you‘ve not one pair
But two pairs the same as mine
And I believe mine are quite fine
It’s a characteristic of our breed
That we are shorter and knock kneed
It seems our maker quite profound
Preferred us to be nearer ground
It has its good and has its bad
But we should be really glad
When it rains and it does thunder
So at least we can get under
Things that others can’t at all
Because they are long legged and tall”
This annoyed our little blond
Who suddenly became quite fond
Of Percy with the knees all nobbly
Though he walked a little wobbly
She looked at him through misted eyes
And said “you really are quite wise
The things you say are really true
So now I know what I will do
I’ll give old Clancy a big shove
Tell him that I really love
My hero Percy my Prince Charming
What is more and quite disarming
For a romantic kind of lark
I will chase you round the park”
< < < > > >
A Foxy Bunny
A Rabbit sat one day alone
Guarding the door to his underground home
When a fox came along with a mighty shout
Said “Aren’t you afraid I will catch you out?
I could grab you now and gobble you down
You’d make a lovely dinner”
But the Rabbit replied with a little grin
You’ll wish you were much thinner
For down below through tunnel door
“You’d find yourself a whole lot more
Though first you’ll have to get past me
And I am sitting here till tea
Then you’ll see will come another
For he is my Rabbit brother”
The poor fox said “I think you’re funny”
Rabbit replied “I’m a foxy Bunny
Don’t you try to make me your lunch
Or I will give you a Rabbit punch”
< < < > > >
A Cuddly Bear
This is a tale of a cuddly bear
Lovely eyes and long brown hair
For lots of honey ever ready
A ball of fun they called him Teddy
A very fitting name for bruin
Though drink and women were his ruin
A handsome cuss and very smug
With sweet talk and fearsome hug
He’d sweep the ladies off their feet
And give them all a special treat
By showing them that he was strong
He’d string his girl friends right along
Let them stroke his lovely fur
Kiss his cheeks and softly purr
“Take me Teddy I’m all yours
Standing up on all fours
You really are a naughty boy
You should be just a simple toy”
But Teddy knew he was a beaut
That boy was arch and very cute
He’d toast his ladies with good cheer
In iced champagne or just plain beer
With just a tiny drop of whisky
He’d dance and get a little frisky
With gin it was a different story
It made the bear all kind of hoary
Whilst vodka was a certain cinch
To make him give the girls a pinch
So all night long he’d drink and woo
The way bears often try to do
But soon he spent his hard earned money
And took to stealing lots of honey
To give him back his mis-
He’d go to many a dishonest length
Though weak and faltering at the knees
He’d try to rob our friends the bees
And take from them their precious sweet
To give himself a lovely treat
But one day midst hum and buzz
The bees sent for the forest fuzz
Who took our friend with moan and wail
And clapped him in the forest goal
Poor Teddy felt alone and sad
He knew he had been very bad
But no one cared that he was there
With sallow eyes and matted hair
His friends of all the bygone days
Had gone along their separate ways
Leaving him to fret and pine
Sipping water instead of wine
Until one day he had a vision
Causing him to make decision
An Angel bear appeared and spoke
Said “You really are a decent bloke
You erred and took the downward path
And thus incurred the Great Bear’s wrath
Since you repent you are forgiven
But a bargain has been driven
To earn remission you must go
Out into this world of woe
And help the other bears like you
To live a life that’s good and true”
So Teddy boy with heart aglow
Set forth upon his task to show
That bears are really good at heart
For they do play a goodly part
In bringing pleasure to the young
Their praises are so oft unsung
Whether they be girls or boys
They do make really lovely toys
Their lives may be an awful muddle
But they are really good to cuddle
< < < > > >
A Carnival of Animals
